If I was seriously considering a relationship, how might you fit in?
I probably wouldn't. Most people don't fit into other people's orderly lives. They have to regroup and make room, because people's lives are messy. If someone expects me to just fit myself around the extra space in his life, it's probably not going to work out. We have to pick out the space together and decide how we're going to share it equally.
Part 1-The Basics
Name: Sir.
Age: Older than you. I'm older than nearly everybody.
Location: Here. You're there.
Occupation: I write. I think. I look for work.
Height: Tall.
Weight: Bigger than you.
Waist & Pant length size: In transition.
Shoe Size: Is no indication of anything else.
Shirt Size: In transition.
Top, Bottom or Versatile: Yes.
Cock Length: Is no indication of shoe size.
Hairy or Smooth? Yes.
Shaved, trimmed or natural pubes: I'd answer, but the kids are reading this.
Hairy or Smooth Crack: See previous answer.
Nice, Normal or Ugly Feet: Pleasant.
Tatts or Piercings, if so, where and how many: I've lost count. There may not be any since I've had my weekly bath.
Which direction does your erection point, right left, up, down or straight forward: Versatile.
Part 2 - About You
1. Do you do drugs? If so, what kind and how often? Does Diet Coke count?
2. Do you have a reliable means of self-transportation? When I can afford gas.
3. What kind of music do you like? The sound of your muffled screams.
4. What are your top 3 favorite movies? The Masque of Fu Manchu, The Pit and the Pendulum, Pulp Fiction.
5. Do you have a stable income? Yes. Leave your wallet by the door.
6. Do you live alone, at home or with roomies? With a cat, who shares her space with dead birds and rodents.
Part 3- Compatibility
1. What sexual position do you prefer? With my dick inside something or other.
2. Do you sleep with people on the first date? Only if they bore me. Otherwise I've been known to have sex with them.
3. Are you an outgoing type or more the reserved type? I'm very shy until I get you locked in the stocks.
4. What is your idea of a good date? Dim lights, soft music while I pierce your nipples and attach clamps to your balls.
5. What do you feel is the most important aspect of a relationship? Being able to hold a conversation, after I remove your ball gag, that doesn't include whines and promises not to tell anyone, ever.
6. Do you interact with Straight friends? Only when they're willing to convert.
7. Have you ever had sex with a female? Yes, but I lived to tell about it.
8. Have you been raped or molested against your will? Once. Many more times, consensually.
Part 4- History
1. Are you hung up on an ex? If so, how long before you move on? No, I'm not hung up on an ex, although I do have one hanging in chains in my basement ... I'll move on when he has starved to death.
2. Have you had more than 100 sexual partners? If Yes...save your time and don't fill out any further...If No, proceed Oh, who's counting? Let's just continue ...
3. What has been your longest relationship to date? With my mirror.
4. How many times would you say you have been "In Love"? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
5. How long has it been since your last relationship? He's trying to sneak out of the root cellar, now ...
6. Why didn't your previous relationships work out? He forgot the safe word.
Extra Credit:
1. What are your personal thoughts on being/dating a Drag Queen? Last time I did drag, someone mistook me for Shelley Winters. Last drag queen I dated became a news anchor on Fox News. Her name is Gretchen Carlson.
2. Do you own anything with rainbows on it? If so, how many? My last date. I just finished drying his tattoo this morning while he was on the rack.
3. Do you walk like you think you are a runway model? Yes. Yes, I do. We're not going to have any problem with that, are we, bitch?
4. Can you complete a sentence without the words..."Fabulous", "Girl", "OMG", or "Totally" What a fabulous question, girlfriend. OMG, I totally can.
5. Do you have any diseases I should be aware of? Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful.
6. Are you into bondage? Here, ask that again with the electric vibrator turned on.
7. Are you into water sports? Let me wash that smudge off your face.
8. Are you into spankings? No, I'm into discipline. For your own good.
9. Have you ever DP'd someone or have you ever been DP'd? Probably, if I knew WTF DP'd meant. Don't try to confuse me with trendy abbreviations or I'll cane your ass, pussyboy.
10. Have you had sex with a male family member, if so whom? Yes, my last husband.
11. Have you ever shared in a "Guy Thing" "Helping a buddy out" sexual experience, that invovled a Straight buddy? Yes, he's downstairs on the St. Catherine Wheel, if you need further input.
12. Are you comfortable being seen in the nude by other male family members, buddies, who are not Gay, and are they comfortable seeing you? Yes to first question. No to the second but they know they'd better just get over it.
Post Graduate Level extra credit:
1. How important is honest communication to you with a BF? It's important he enunciate when he screams, "Thank you, Sir, may I have another?"
2. What do you find appealing in another guy? Endurance and his appreciation of moi.
3. Can you be faithful to someone you're dating? I can be faithful to lots of people.
4. Do you insist on using a condom? If not, why is safety not a priority? Safety is always a priority. I always use rubber gloves when fisting.
5. Are you "Out" or in the closet? What closet? There's a closet?
6. Do you have Gay friends? Yes. Some of them are downstairs in the holding cell.
7. Is partying as important to you as quality time alone with a BF? Quality time is a party.
8. Do you have any children from a previous relationship? Yes. They were delicious.
9. Are you interested in a monogamous relationship? If it's OK with my other boyfriends.
10. Are you afraid of being intimate with, and vulnerable to, another male? Only if he finds the key and unlocks his handcuffs ...
11. If I wanted to experience a natural male sexual encounter that included you and one of my brothers or another male family member at the same time, would that offend or disturb you? I've already fucked your dad, Uncle Jeff and Little Skippy. You have another brother?
12. Would you be comfortable being nude if my male family members were also present? It's nothing they haven't already seen. You're the big holdout.
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